Otto Titzling-the Man, the Legend-the MYTH!

Good evening all! I sit here tonight with you, scared. I have to have oral sugery tomorrow morning. They are going to put me under with a general. I have had surgery twice. More deep down frightening than anything the Saw movies can dish out. So, since I am trying very hard to distract myself from the fact that my tooth hurts and I am thirsty (no water or food for 8 hours before...) I am going to talk about something near and dear. Just feels like a big weight I have to get off my chest. Yes, for those keeping score, that was a pun. sheesh-I am TRYING to cheer myself up for cryin out loud!

Soo, get into the time machine folks, back to ancient history. Hair Metal ruled and men wore just as much if not more makeup and hairspray as women. 1990, 1989...1988 Ah, 1988. Music sucked, it was all processed cheese. Movies wern't as bad. 1988 brought us one the greatest chick flicks of all time. Beaches. Men ovulate at the mere mention of this movie... Two girls meet, become friends, grow up, one gets famous, one becomes a lawyer and dies. There it is, in a nutshell. You have to have boobs to understand why women have to watch Beaches any time it comes on tv.

Ah come on, gimme a break. If you read my blog you know I am the MISTRESS of tangents. But this one has a point. Bette Midler sings a song in the movie called Otto Titzling. It's a song about the origins of the bra or "over the shoulder boulder holder" HOORAY!

Well, it basically says Otto Titzling invented the bra after watching a big boobed opera singer fall over from the weight of her breasts. He invented the "Titsling". Which was stolen by "none other than the very worst of the French Patent theives, Phillipe D. Brassiere" Which is why its called a brassiere and not a titsling.

Only problem, it's a crock of doodie. Here is the article from Snopes

http://www.snopes.com/business/origins/bra.asp

Apparantly the first bras were invented in the mid 1860's but corseting had been around for several centuries. The Greeks even had a type of chest binding.

So my dear friends, if I die tomorrow (Im melodramatic and hormonal, so sue me!) know I loved making you laugh. I hope you chase your dreams, pass along random kindness to strangers and have a meaningful, fulfilling life.

I leave you with this, a couple stanzas from "Otto Titsling"

"...Oh, my god! There she blows!
Aerodynamically this girl was a mess.
Otto eyeballed the diva lying comatose amongst the reeds,
and he suddenly felt the fire of inspiration
flood his soul. He knew what he had to do!
He ran back to his workshop
where he futzed and futzed and futzed.

For Otto Titsling had found his quest:
to lift and mold the female breast;
to point the small ones to the sky;
to keep the big ones high and dry!

Every night he'd sweat and snort
searching for the right support.
He tried some string and paper clips.
Hey! He even tried his own two lips!..."

and of course, a link for youtube! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqxWhBZXF8Q

Are you a grape or a watermelon?

Ah yes, and so we've come to it. You have been waiting for me to be in a better mood. Well, I am finally in the mood to discuss-AWESOME BOOBAGE.

As I mentioned previously, I joined a group on facebook called HOORAY for BIG BOOBIES. Started by a woman with an-ahem-ample bosom. If you have read my blog before you might have started to get to know my way of thinking. I might be vulgar, gross and blunt-but I am always upfront and honest.

So, honest. Hmm. I have big boobs. Really big boobs. I wear a 42 DDD bra. Now, lets dissect that a bit. The measure of a bra takes two things into account. This is the part to pay attention to guys (filthy buggers, love you too!) The number is the measurement (inches) around the woman's chest. That would be under the breast, against the ribcage, and around the torso. Now, the measure that the guys wonder about. You hear things like "did she have grapes or big melons" or the inevitable "anything bigger than a handful is a waste". WELL, those statements pertain to cup size. That would be the letters. They start at AA and most bras go up to DDD. You think it stops there? Oh contraire, mon petites, specialty stores go up to N and higher. Did you see Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo? The scene in the whorehouse with Neil Patrick Harris? That is an N. BTW, that scene, one of the funniest, jaw dropping lines "Im gonna rock out with my c*ck out and you're gonna jam out with your clam out, it's gonna be magical". LOVE NPH!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LskZpU-zjM0
It's another one that is exponentally funnier after a shot of tequilla.

But again, I ramble. The combination is a woman's bra size. I read somewhere that 85% of women wear the wrong size bra. Amazing. Boobs grow and shrink depending on weigh gain or loss, pregnancy, breast feeding, augmentation, reduction...the list goes on and on. I have been an F, but I am down (ha!) to a DDD. I am only 5'3". Even when I was thinner I had big breasts. Yeah heredity. Short and boobtastic, that's me.

Im reading a book called The Erotic Tounge. No, its not an instruction manual for cunnilingus. It is a lexicon of slang, euphemismn, inuendo and quaint terms for sex, sex acts, body parts, obscenity and dirty talkin'. Think of how many words you know for penis. How many can you name? How many terms for breasts? Where did the term sexual intercourse come from? This book has been interesting, funny and an eye opener.

And thus, I end this post about big un's with a poem
-Ode to Those Four-Letter Words
A woman has bosoms, a bust, or a breast,
Those lily-white swellings that bulge 'neath her vest
They are towers of ivory, sheaves of new wheat,
In a moment of passion, ripe apples to eat.
You may speak of her nipples as small rings of fire
But by Rabelais' beard, she'll throw fifteen fits
If you speak of them roundly as good honest tits.